Inanna - Happy Holidays!

 

(Inanna, Ninshubar, and Ereshkigal are seated before a flatscreen watching “A Year without Santa Claus”.  There is a large quantity of red and green iced brownies on a platter perched on a coffee table in front of them).

INANNA:  Oh, dear.  I hope that Santa Claus can get on his feet to spread Christmas cheer!

ERESHKIGAL:  Nonny, we watch this stupid show year after year and the ending is the same!

NINSHUBAR:  And year after year you two get in a fight about it.  Calm down and enjoy the day.

INANNA:  Do you think Santa Claus is real?

ERESHKIGAL:  Oh, I don’t believe this...

INANNA:  I’m serious!  Lots of people don’t believe we’re goddesses, but we are!

NINSHUBAR:  Nonny, if you look into your heart as a source of generosity and charity, there lies the spirit that is Santa Claus.

(Pause).

INANNA:  You don’t believe a word you just said, do you?

NINSHUBAR:  Well, I believe in generosity and charity—

ERESHKIGAL:  Just not the crap about Santa Claus.

INANNA:  Stop, Sis!  You’re confusing me!

ERESHKIGAL:  That doesn’t take much.

NINSHUBAR:  Ladies, can we PLEASE focus on the show?  Your bickering is distracting me.

(They turn their attention to the flatscreen).

INANNA:  Do you believe in UFOs?

ERESHKIGAL:  Oh, merciless hell...

INANNA:  I believe in UFOs.

NINSHUBAR:  That’s nice.  Can we—

INANNA:  I believe I was abducted by aliens.

ERESHKIGAL:  I believe you ARE an alien.

INANNA:  No, really!  I was in New Mexico trying to plant some cacti when there was this bright light up in the sky...

ERESHKIGAL:  These cacti, what kind of cacti were they?

INANNA:  Um, mescaline.

ERESHKIGAL:  Did you... taste any of these cacti?

INANNA:  Well, yes, but...

ERESHKIGAL:  Ha!  Mystery solved!  You were as high as a kite!

INANNA:  Was not!

NINSHUBAR:  Can we spread some holiday cheer instead of conspiracy theories?

ERESHKIGAL:  If memory serves me, I was there when it happened.

INANNA:  You SAW me get beamed up?

ERESHKIGAL:  I “beamed” you over to the nearest hospital.

INANNA:  There was a bright light, and someone probed my anus.

ERESHKIGAL:  That was me using a RECTAL THERMOMETER, you dunce!

INANNA:  Well it really HURT!  Why didn’t you tell me?

NINSHUBAR:  Ladies, you’re missing the part with the Snow Miser!  Please keep it down.

(Everyone settles down on the couch).

INANNA:  I still say Santa Claus is real.

NINSHUBAR:  Oh, no.

ERESHKIGAL:  And I suppose you believe he rides in a sleigh pulled by eight tiny reindeer?

INANNA:  Of course not!  That’s silly!

ERESHKIGAL:  Then you’re not a total loss.

INANNA:  I believe Santa’s sleigh is drawn by a UFO.

(Ereshkigal jumps up from the couch).

ERESHKIGAL:  That DOES it!  I’m going to the closet to find you a tin foil hat!

(Ereshkigal marches off.  Inanna takes her place on the sofa and reaches down for the plate full of brownies).

INANNA:  (giggles).  What a dope.

NINSHUBAR:  What was all that about?

INANNA:  I just said all that so I could have her share of the brownies!

NINSHUBAR:  I don’t believe this nonsense.

(Suddenly, bright multicolored lights shine through the window).

NINSHUBAR:  What in Heaven?

INANNA:  That’s the mothership!

ERESHKIGAL:  Who is piloting it?

INANNA:  Parliament Funkadelic!

NINSHUBAR:  Oy vey, iz mir.

ERESHKIGAL:  (From front door).  Who the hell are you?  No, I’ve never heard of Bootsy Collins!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!  - JJB